I'm only 4w1d into this pregnancy and I'm already obsessing. Please bear with me as I work through this....

I'm already so far in my head about this birth; it's not good. I am literally agonizing over the hospital vs. homebirth issue and I can see already that it's winding me tighter and tighter. I'm such a control freak anyway, and I guess I felt with Brynn's birth that if I could just *know* everything, and anticipate everything, and have a plan that it would all go perfectly. Well, wrong, obviously. (You can click here to read the full birth story if you'd like the details.)
 
I'm reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth right now and it of course leans heavily toward homebirth...but does mention a few happy hospital birth scenarios. I've also started reading through the VBAC forums on MDC as though I am on a mission to collect as much data as possible. I feel myself already trying to control what is going to happen 8 months from now...and it really doesn't feel good.  
 
The quiet part of me says to just stop, breathe, feel, and trust. The quiet part of me says that it's going to be OK, either way. The non-intellectual, yet thinking, side of me says that ultimately, it is one day out of thousands in my life and that if the end result is a healthy baby and mama, the rest is just details. The power struggle won't make things better, even if I win; I don't want that struggle on top of the task of giving birth, so why do it to myself?
 
When I allow myself to ponder and imagine the birth, it's in the hospital with Jessie. If I try to pretend it's at home, it just doesn't work. I think a big part of the reason for that is that this house still doesn't feel like our *home*, 10 months after moving in. It's not a haven to me; it feels like the bad energy from the previous owners is still here. I don't love this house, and it doesn't love me. I don't think I can overcome that enough to feel embraced here during labor, if that makes sense.
 
I'm such a thinker. It is next to impossible for me to surrender to something without trying to know and *control* all of the details. I think that's one of life's lessons from Brynn's birth for me: giving in is often the best way through. So the challenge is to see whether I can make it through this pregnancy with that moral in mind, and use it for this birth. I don't want to have to TRY so hard to manifest the "ideal" birth. I just want to give birth peacefully, confidently, without fights. I have already put this enormous pressure on myself to make the "right" decision, or else live with the guilt of failure, as I have since Brynn's birth.

I think that what I need is not to feel in control of everything, but to feel that I have faith in something. I need to trust something; I guess that is my journey now.

Thanks for listening.

Amy-
I too am a control freak and worry like no other, so I can empathize. I do think that if you are not completely comfortable in your home then maybe a hospital birth would be best. I wanted a home birth, but knew how nervous I am and that I would not be able to fully relax so I had a hospital birth with Jessie and it was perfect for me (although Jessie didn't make it on time)!

I think you just have to weigh out what is best for you. also maybe journal your thoughts just to get them out and organized.

no real advice just {hugs} and sending you some relaxing peaceful vibes!


Lisa

Aw, Amy. ((hugs))

Lots of women have perfectly lovely births in hospitals. Just do the things that you *can* control - work with a midwife and hire a doula. Homebirth clearly isn't for everyone. I know I've said that if I had it to do over again, I'd have Piper at home. That's all hindsight. I didn't know in advance that her birth would go so smoothly.

Please try to relax and don't let the experiences of other people freak you out. I've said that my experience at Clark wasn't as good as I hoped, but ultimately the things I nitpick about are just that - little things that don't really matter. I think you need to talk to Jesse and let her know how you're feeling. She may be able to allay some of your fears.

absolutely! you have my email and my home number so feel free to email or call!

ok-I totally just read Brynn's birth story and honey I think you have every right to be feeling these emotions! I also think talking with Jessie and if your going to have a doula will be greatly beneficial.

please call me if you just need to vent~

Thanks Lisa! I am definitely planning on having a doula again; it was such a huge help last time.

Over the past few days, I have really made peace with my feelings and have let go of the need to justify my choice. I was really just beating myself up for not wanting a homebirth because I think in some ways, for AP mamas, it's the "ideal."

When I see you tomorrow night, let's find a time to get together.

Amy, I could have written this very same post myself (well, except for your first birth story), right down to the part where you talk about not feeling at home in your house. I hate my house!! I am so right where you are right now. I just posted my story. We should talk more, maybe we can help each other through.
Leslie

Definitely. That reminds me, I heard from a friend who had Jessie as a midwife, and I wanted to share what she said. I'll either email you or tell you next time I see you (it is positive - nothing bad).

I am so glad you joined this forum, and as I said yesterday, SO glad I am not the only one feeling this way!!