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Tuesday, January 06, 2009
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Participation is key! It's fun to lurk, but it's more fun for everyone if you sign up and share your wisdom and experiences with the group. Membership is free and it only takes a minute.
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autumn_mom
Settling In
Posts:172
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| 08/27/2008 7:58 PM |
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Piper started Prek last week. She's having a LOT of trouble detaching from me. There are several factors, I think: 1. The class size is much larger than we anticipated. 2. The bulk of the children are older than we anticipated.
It seems like those two changes have really made a difference. The class tends to be louder and more rambunctious. The teachers are great (don't get me wrong) and handle things very appropriately and gently. But my daughter tends to be intimidated in situations like the above. When she's intimidated/anxious, she wants to be in my lap or nursing or both.
We have another full week to try to get her to integrate. After that point, I will no longer be able to attend with her and we'll have to make a decision. I'm not sure what that will be, but we've already paid for this so I'm really hoping it will work out.
I had a nice discussion with one of the teachers last night. One of the things she thought might be helpful is to wean. Now. Here's my quandary with that. The child is clearly experiencing anxiety. Do I remove the thing that comforts her most at a time when she's clearly feeling most anxious? That certainly seems to go against everything AP that I've ever read. However, on the other hand, I wonder if it's holding her back in some way.
I didn't have to deal with this with my son. He was ready to wean at 2 1/2. It was mutual for the most part. He hadn't nursed in a while so when he asked I just told him they were done. He didn't ask again. Clearly he was ready. Just as clearly, she is not.
My compromise has been to tell her that nursing is only for night time. I'd be fine with that. She isn't too happy about it and I gave in several times today.
Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. I'd love to hear a variety of opinions. I'm very torn here.
I'm trying to be okay even if the class doesn't work out (even though I think we'd lose the money, gah!!). I wasn't looking at this as a child care arrangement, but it sure would be nice to work during daylight hours instead of waiting until after she goes to sleep at night. And getting up at 7am to go to school with her has completely nixed that for right now.
Sorry for being so long-winded. I'm just a swirl of disconnected thoughts... |
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jes
No Longer a Newby!
Posts:28
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| 08/28/2008 12:04 AM |
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i say go with your gut. and it looks like your gut says she needs it/its not time to wean.
imo, if you try to force things (weaning, her going to a class she isnt comfortable in for whatever reason, etc.) in a direction they dont fluidly move, itll likely cause bigger problems down the road. (she may feel she cant rely on you for security? and/or school is more or less negative)
is there any sort of in home care? or a mama you know, something more personal. maybe thats all she needs.
i hope it works out for the best for both of you. good luck! |
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-jes
www.jesdeis.com |
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Tiffany
No Longer a Newby!
Posts:65
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| 08/28/2008 9:39 AM |
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I don't think that weaning is the answer, either. Both of you are obviously still okay with it and it is comforting and enjoyable for you. Trying to wean her at the same time as integrating her into school would probably be overload.
Are you with her all day at school? Could you try letting her go on her own for a day/part of a day? Maybe you could just sort of pretend to leave and let her go it alone for a bit, but still be around if she really, truly can't handle it. I really don't mean that to sound harsh! It's just that I had a lot of this with Caleb around that age (he weaned right around 3, pretty much in the same way as your son). He was very, very, very attached to me and didn't want me to leave, would want to be on me or nursing when he was in new situations/around new people. Finally, there came a point where I absolutely had to leave to do something, even though I didn't really want to. When I left, he was a mess. Apparently, ten minutes later, he was laughing and playing.
Obviously, Piper might not be the same. And maybe you have already done this. If not, maybe it couldn't hurt to try it once?
I will say that in retrospect, I wish I had put Caleb in school before this year (he's 4.5), because he could have used the socialization. He was really leary of school at first, but now is super happy and excited about it; still though, he lacks some social skills other kids have, like how he doesn't pay enough attention to learn other kids' names. (he now says he has a best friend at school, but he doesn't know his name! lol)
Sorry this was long winded, too. But the baby is napping and I was free ... 
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The cavalry isn't coming. You have to do this yourself. - Chris Gardner
DS (01/04) DD (06/08) |
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mommak
No Longer a Newby!
Posts:62
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| 08/28/2008 10:00 AM |
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I agree. Personally, I don't see how weaning would help. I would trust my instincts on this one-if you don't feel she's ready, she's probably not, yk? And realistically, even if you weaned her TOMORROW, (assuming such a thing were even possible), would it help her feel comfortable at school in a week? I'd be inclined to think not.
Would it help to talk about it with her, like "That was Mommy's last day at school. On Monday (or whatever), you're going to go and stay with Miss So-and-so and the kids, and you will play and have fun, etc...and I will be back to pick you up at (whatever time)." Maybe you could work something out with her teacher where you could leave her, and they could call you if she is still not doing ok after a certain amount of time (half hour, hour, whatever you feel comfortable with)... assuming of course, you've not tried this already.
Sorry it's not going smoothly for you all, and hope you can figure out something that works for everyone. |
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Erin,
mom to DD (3.5) and DS (20 months)
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autumn_mom
Settling In
Posts:172
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| 08/28/2008 1:51 PM |
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Thanks for the little bit of validation. I definitely don't think outright weaning is a good idea. We did try "not at school" today. She did fairly well - she only nursed once. I'm going to try something different tomorrow and let her nurse in the car before we go in. Ultimately, I'd like the teachers to be able to comfort her as well. Right now it seems like the only thing that will work is Mama's Nonnies.
Actually last Thursday (the second day of school) she dismissed me and said she was fine; I could go home. So I did a little internal "woohoo" dance and drove away. I'm only about 15 minutes from the school. Before I'd even gotten home, they called and said I needed to go back; she was inconsolable. Then when I was nearly back at the school, I got another call saying nevermind. She was crying because another child was crying and once the other child was fine, she was, too.
So I hung out and read in a nearby room. She didn't know I was there. She lasted for about 2 hours and then she'd had enough and I did need to go back in. Any time another child was start crying for his/her mama it would set her off.
Now we're at the point where she doesn't want me out of her sight. If I tell her I'm going to another room to get something (while we're at school), she'll freak out and say she doesn't want me to leave. The school day is 8:30 until noon. We'll give it another full week before we make any decisions about keeping her there or not, I suppose.
Thanks for the ideas, guys. 
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crunchymama
Settling In
Posts:139
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| 08/30/2008 10:39 PM |
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Oh, Tina, I am sorry this is going so rough for you right now.
First, I think the weaning thing is crazy. I know waldorf asks it on their application for whatever reason, but if weaning is a component to their school I am out. I don't think it has anything to do with it. Trust your gut on this one.
I think it is just tough going with kids transitioning to school. She is especially attached to you - and I am not saying that in a bad way. She knows Erin and me and wouldn't really hang out with either of us when we are Becca's last month. I was surprised when she gave me a big fat smile at the farmer's market the other day without you at her side. She likes calm situations. While there are parts of a waldorf day that are calm, there are parts that are not. And I am sure the older, crazier children are throwing her for a spin right now. She's a mild mannered little girl.
All of that is not to say that she won't eventually fit in with the older kids. She might. I hope she does.
When Asher went to summer camp, it was miserable. I signed him up for a 5 week/3x a week camp. The first day was great. Second day, so-so. By the third day, I was handing him off/having him pulled out of my arms. I never stayed. The director called me 15-20 minutes later to let me know whether he was ok or not. They didn't want him there if he didn't want to be there, but all suspected it was a separation issue. He had fun there. By week 4 day 2, he was still all the way there saying "I don't want to go, etc." We walked in the door, and started walking down the hall, and suddenly he RAN AWAY towards his room. I was so floored. I couldn't believe it.
He started school on Monday. The visit day was last Friday, and we stayed and played with him in the room and met the other kids and teachers. That has been hard for him to grasp. While he seems to be okay with us leaving (it was strange the first day, but teacher diverted his attention and he was fine) he keeps asking me if today I "will stay to play again." I am including this because Piper might be feeling the same way, as if you are just a permanent fixture in her classroom, even though the other parents aren't there.
I think if you read the contract you are on a trial basis the first 8 weeks or something anyway right? Just say you are doing what they suggest and you should be able to get out. From what someone else has told me, there might be a waiting list at this point. Just in case it doesn't work out. Maybe a different environment would be better for her? It could be hard for her going somewhere where she has always stayed with you, and then suddenly she is no longer staying with you? Just a thought. I really really really hope it works out for you guys though.
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Sommer
mama to Asher 3 & Rachel 15 months |
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Brynn's Mama
No Longer a Newby!
Posts:42
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| 08/31/2008 7:43 PM |
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I think Sommer makes a good point - you have *always* been with her at Waldorf, so of course she's assuming you always will be.
Also, I think weaning, on like a day's notice, is ridiculous!!!! That goes completely against attachment parenting and your instincts. I personally would be a little insulted if they had suggested it to me. In any case, you do what YOU know is right for Piper.
I did want to say this, though. At Brynn's school, we had one night of orientation where we parents were invited into the classroom with the kids. Then, on the first day of school, we were expected to say goodbye to the kids outside of the classroom door, and let them walk in by themselves. Of course, you know Brynn, and I was totally unsure of how this would go. The first day was fine, the second through fourth days were VERY TOUGH, but by the fifth day, she was totally happy and confident and ready to walk in on her own. Some days when I drop her off, she doesn't even say goodbye or ask for a kiss/hug!! This is BRYNN we're talking about here!!
My point is (and I thought about you a lot last week as I was realizing all of this), I think that there is some wisdom in just making the expectation from the very beginning be that *I will not be there.* If I had come into the room with her and had been there all along, she would be clinging to me as usual. This was a way of allowing her to explore this situation without me and gain her own sense of confidence about it, AND to form bonds with her teachers and the other kids (all of whom are older than her).
I know you can't go back in time now, but I think that if you want this to work, you might want to try a different approach and make the choice to drop her off and leave. Otherwise, she is going to be so much more reluctant to branch out on her own. And for sure, it will be tough for a few days, but it *might* start to smooth out after a short time. If it doesn't, well....maybe this isn't the right situation for her right now.
But my opinion - and this is just *my* opinion, so take it for what it's worth - is that the longer you stay, the harder it is going to be for her to adjust.
I know it is REALLY hard, Tina. I cried the day that Brynn cried. It was awful. But I did believe that she would be OK, so I gave myself a time line of how many days we could go through that ordeal before I gave up. She totally surprised me, and is HAPPY there now, so it was worth it.
Call me if you want to talk about it!
xoxo |
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Amy - Mama to Brynn (12/05) and the baby bean (due late April, 09) |
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MamaGrass
No Longer a Newby!
Posts:75
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| 09/09/2008 9:10 AM |
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Tina,
Just curious...how is she doing with school now? |
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autumn_mom
Settling In
Posts:172
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| 09/10/2008 2:11 PM |
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| She's been withdrawn. Thanks for asking. |
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